Speaker/Listener Technique

Listener Role Instructions

Goal: Your goal is to help your wife feel deeply understood. You don't have to agree, but you shouldn't express disagreement or defend yourself at this stage. Your main task is simply to listen and show understanding.

Steps:

1. Give Your Full Attention:

• Focus entirely on your wife.

• Don't interrupt, correct, or offer solutions.

• Maintain eye contact and open posture (avoid crossing arms, looking at phones, etc.).

2. Reflect Clearly (Don't React):

• After she finishes speaking, briefly summarize what she said using her words as closely as possible.

  • Example: "So what I hear you saying is..."

• After summarizing, always confirm by asking, "Did I get that right?" or "Is that about right?"

  • If she says "no" or "almost," listen carefully as she clarifies.

3. Stay in Listener Mode:

• Do not shift into speaking mode.

• Avoid defending yourself or correcting details. Your only job right now is to understand her perspective.

4. Validate Her Feelings:

• Acknowledge her emotions explicitly, even if you don't share them.

  • Example: "That sounds really frustrating," or "I can see why that would feel hurtful."

5. Stay Curious, Not Defensive:

• Keep a mindset of openness and curiosity.

• Continuously ask yourself, "What's it like for her right now?"

Quick Notes (Easy Scan Version):

Listener Role:

• Full Attention: No interruptions, eye contact, open posture.

• Reflect: Summarize her words clearly. Confirm with "Did I get that right?"

• Stay Listener: No defending or speaking. Only understanding.

• Validate Emotions: "I see why that's hard."

Curiosity, Not Defense: Think: "What's she feeling right now?"