Speaker/Listener Technique

Listener Role Instructions

Goal: Understanding, not agreement. Your goal is to help your wife feel deeply understood. You don't have to agree, but you shouldn't express disagreement or defend yourself at this stage. Your main task is simply to listen and show understanding.

Steps:

1. Give Full Attention:

• Eye contact & open posture. Avoid crossing arms, looking at your phone, etc.

• Focus entirely on your wife.

2. Paraphrase:

• Briefly summarize what she said after she finishes speaking. Use her words as closely as possible.

• Don't rebut, interrupt, correct, or offer solutions.

• After summarizing, always confirm by asking, "Did I get that right?" or "Is that about right?"

3. Don't Rebut:

• Do not shift into speaking mode.

• Avoid defending yourself or correcting details. Your only job right now is to understand her perspective.

4. Validate Her Feelings:

• Acknowledge her emotions explicitly, even if you don't share them.

  • Example: "That sounds really frustrating," or "I can see why that would feel hurtful."

Easy Example:

• She says...

  • “I had a really tough day. Mom got on my case about how I handled the arrangements for Dad’s party”

• You say...

  • “Sounds tough. So your mom was critical of how you handled the party and really got on you about it.”

Quick Notes (Easy Scan Version):

Listener Role:

• Full Attention: No interruptions, eye contact, open posture.

• Reflect: Summarize her words clearly. Confirm with "Did I get that right?"

• Stay Listener: No defending or speaking. Only understanding.

• Validate Emotions: "I see why that's hard."

Curiosity, Not Defense: Think: "What's she feeling right now?"